Still working on Dr. N though.  I hope that it will do well, at  least then I will have accomplished something. Maybe even enough to get off my butt and make my life worth something.

And I have taken into consideration other people’s time, I guess not having a plan and really just asking people to help; or if they wanted in on an idea was probobly a bad idea. Thing is, alot of you don’t know what’s going on in my head. Or what I’ve had to deal with, and as scary as that is I really don’t hold any fault on anyone. Everything that hasen’t happend is my fault. When someone decides that I’m not worth their time anymore and stop talking to me abruptly for no reason, again my fault.

I don’t want a pitty party, I’m not like that. I’m just. Really frusterated that the people I’ve known since childhood don’t have my back. And I guess I became too diffrent and moved and all that stuff. However its still sad for me when I try to retain a friendship with someone who always seems to busy. And I waste my time with those kinds of people becuase I’ve lost alot already and….I guess in some weird way I don’t want to loose anymore.

I’m not as socially gifted as I would like to be, That’s one of the main reason I am who I am. I spend alot of time wanting to be a person people like. And I don’t take to kindly to half assery. I repeat myself alot, get worried and sometimes frighten people away.

If I could work a job, save for a video camera, get people to work on my projects I would be all for that. But years of shatterd friendships and continually cruel reminders of both my life and those who were in it continue to haunt me.

First off my question would be how? To a place that is very lingering; what sense does it make to have such a place still around if someone who desires it so desperately is constantly tortured by this very single idea of returning.  Throw ontop of that being born into a family with a very wacky mental history, the odds seem to be stacked out of favore.

Second of all; if there is a point to the sudden exclusion what would that be? And what is constantly being perpetuated that makes it alright for things in the world to get worse in the first place.  Mind you; I am very understanding  at times.  I’m sure there is some sort of logic to everything but I just can’t seem to understand when one thing is always contradicting another.

Third of all; punishment through silence needs to be abolished.  It is not possible for someone who has a difficult time understand what they are doing wrong. To continue to make the same mistake over the course of thousands of lifetimes on the off chance that they might actually get it right and fullfill their “destiny.”

I get the whole mysteries of the universe thing. But when you know someone has a problem that tends to divert them into the middle of traffic.  Not doing anything to help that person stay on a less jagged path. Should be considered just as bad as pushing the poor basterd into traffic.

I’m being told that I have to earn a home; in which I spend the course of several weeks venting at the main source of the problem and doing somthing about it.  All I ever wanted was to just go home.  I dident want to be a millionair. I dident want to rule over people. I dident want to hurt anyone. I just wanted to go home.  I wanted to leave everything behind and start over.  And now I’m being told that everything I heard; I dident actually hear.  So Now I have to sift through more crap, and possibly some how cause more trouble, which will break more rules. Which will eventually lead to never ever having anything happen.

I am very gratefull for the day I was saved.  I did and do not like thinking what it would be like to be a vegtable; let alone dead.  Yet I can’t get a straight answer out of anyone.

Sure I can have the local demon decide to mess with my head and screw with my life and just about everything else.  But no good deed brings the simple things.   I often time’s forget about Gina and I really shoulden’t.  But she isen’t perfect either and I have no idea what the hell is going on inside her head.

I feel as if I am enduring the ultimate abandonment. And I know there are those that shake their heads and deal with it. And think I’m just a spoiled no good, wanting all and not willing to work jerk.   But there would be no point in that becuase its all the same anyways.

I get so tired of all the back and forth, the non truths, the white lies.  The silence.  I often feel as if that one moment that changed my life also was an accident.  Not that I want to die. But I wonder what kind of life it is when someone with free will can’t even get a straight answer or a straight story when he wants it.

And how do you expect someone, even though he knows what he has witnessed to battle his own brain. To go from a smileing happy staying strong boy. To one who has become the complete opposite as he has grown.  I stand guilty of asking god for a lot of things and not shining through when things have happend.  I feel as if I am a perminatnt stain. And even though I know these are not things he/she wants to hear.

They are the prevelant thoughts in my head. And I cry knowing that perhaps one day I will be less then he expected. That I have reduced myself to crawling and begging and not being a strong person,  It is hard to be a strong person when so many have beat you, and the one person you seek the most comfort and guidence in can’t be seenn.  And to know that I have thought things that would be disaprived of makes me feel even worse.

I feel like I want to scream and jump out of my skin. To just close my eyes and have everything forgoton.   I don’t like the daytime becuase everything seems simpler at night.  And yet tommorow will come and I will say the same things. I will be judged; disaproved of; picked on.  Tested; and many many other things.   I feel like I can talk my way out of it with reason and things that seem like logic to me.

But its all the same, and I will talk to with Gina, maybe. and she will tell me how I have done something wrong, or I have to earn the way.  And the other thing I don’t understand, is how I am supposed to function and make it half way across the world, make enough money and just live with someone who has just as many problems as I do?

I think the funny thing is; that if someone came to me and told me everything; why things were the way they were and why I have to go through this time consuming; zig zagy emotional roller coaster.  I would probobly tell them I don’t want to hear it and I would ask them to leave.

Waking up is becoming a chore.  Watching things happen that I can’t control. I feel like there was a time when things where going okay; but  something happened and wrong decisions where made.  There is no third party to referee.  And though I love my creator “chibi” Dearly, all I can do is ask why?

Cry.

Curl up into a ball.

Get angry

Feel abandond again

Cry about Gina

then go to sleep.

Gina is a very stubborn woman who wouldent listen to me, and I have been very angry at her.  Even now she exibits sighns of avoidence and although she misses me; we still can’t seem to get our stories straight.  She diden’t want to leave her grandfather becuase of her grandmother; and I went along with it.  It was just one stupid thing after another and there was nothing I could do.

I love her so much, and I am so angry at her and everything else.

About the spirit world.

The processes is this; spirits get hurt or lost and they would come to us. We would lose sleep; Gina would be in a bad mood and not make decisions.   Demon’s seem to think its funny; that even though their existence is pointless and really they could disappear at any given whim; that they need to stick around and torment people; animals, other spirits.

Sadly; I only say these things becuase I have become the very thing I never wanted to be. Shallow, hallow, alone. dark.  I built my own cage and pretty much trapped everything away from me.  I’m a terrible spitefull entity and I should be put out of my misery.

I find no joy life; and feel as if being saved was a blessing.  But the fact that I came out of it bitter and spiteful makes me hate my outdistance even more.  Its like there is no cap on the amount of crap I can pour onto myself.

I would like a reset.  Maybe for Gina too.  Or maybe I still have a purpose out here and I’m just being a whiny, no good, spoiled stuck up brat who should be left alone.

Sprites have abandond me, and no longer want to be near me.  Every joyfull thing and feelling I’ve had is gone. I’ve done what I’ve done for good intentions; however I feel I may have cashed my own ticket to hell.

And my road of good intentions felt more like a gauntlet.

So in the end; I guess there really was not point in kicking that things butt.  I’m sure it saw the future and made sure to be prepared. It might be slimy loathsome, irritating, evil, many other words used to describe a source of evil.  But it wasn’t stupid.  If I had made the decision; I feel that would have been the final nail in the coffin and I would have been lost. Abandoned and evil.  All the things I don’t want to be. But why do the tortured turn evil?